How do you leave the past behind, when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?

Why does there always come a day when you want nothing more then to just play in traffic? most days love is so not worth the pain...but still for some stupid fucking reason your the only one on my mind... no matter what i do or who i see your there. you haunt me.. you hold me down you sit there and just watch me drown... how can you do something like that to the person you love or even loved... i could never ever treat you so inhumanly... so miserably... your my world... my love... my everything... i love you more then anything in this world... and i hate how you make me feel. im torn to pieces following my heart when my head says stop... when survival says stop... but for some reason my stupid little heart won't listen and you rip and tear and shred til there is nothing left... nothing to be repaired because im beyond being saved by anyone but you...