& so i saw you today...

I saw you today... it hit me like a ton of bricks.. to know that I'm not actually as happy as I pretend I am.. it all came rushing back. How much I love you, how much I need you right here in my life. It shows to me no matter what I do I will always love you.. I'm afraid to care afraid to feel. You were not only the love of my life but also my best friend... or so I believed. Apparently I was neither to you but that's okay baby. I'm finally getting used to the burn.

I thought I was over you but maybe I guess I was wrong. I wish I could keep up the pretend game th e one thing I will never understand is why....


Goodnight world..

Basically I'll never understand why guys behave the way they do. I have simply come to terms with the fact that no matter what it is some how always going to be my fault that things are fucked up and that no matter what I do I'm always the crazy one that is wrong?

Whatever.

So its becoming a crazy crazy world for me. Between people who apparently like to kill to people trying to make claims on me to x boyfriends going off their rockers. I just can't win here. Maybe I should just stop trying. I'm done with the drama I'm done with the lies. I can't wait to be able to just breathe again and not worry about what's going to happen around the next corner. Love I have decided is completely over rated and who needs to know? Between pain payback and revenge for something the other may or may not have done relationships are just a fucking joke. I just want someone who can do it right and that's the end of that....oh and perferably not completely psychotic.

I was diagnosed as being in love. the medicine is you. the addiction is awesome. the withdrawal is hell

sitting here while your sleeping it makes me wonder... makes me wonder why i keep letting this happen why i keep letting you pull me back in... i love you.. i will always love you... but no one should have to wonder day by day if they will be loved in return. im not sure how to go about saying no and officially severing the ties because in the same breath i know i'll never be able to live without you. there is nothing i can say. nothing i can do to make this easier for either of us... and your the only one i will ever think about in this light. to take that away is just harsh and cruel... but such is the world. such is life. maybe one day you'll look back and realize that i really was the one... but i only hope that revelation doesn't come too late. until either i lose my faith or you realize the truth im stuck in this fucked up limbo... one that drives me insane... one that taunts me at every corner. i remember the good times and the bad... but in the end none of it matters because it all comes back down to you...

Every moment is a chance to turn things around.

a revelation of some sorts...

so when the one person who you can't get off your mind walks by you sees you and comments to his friends about it and you don't even notice that they were there that's when you know you've finally broken free... when you've finally moved on to be the true person you were always ment to become.

don't get me wrong you'll always miss the memories you'll always miss what could have been, but there comes a time when you have to forget the what ifs close the book and start a new one. moving on is never easy and im far from at the end of the journey but thank you. thank you for the good times and the bad. you've made me weak just so i could prove to myself i was strong.

some part of me always knew i deserved better. and now someone has shown me the way. i'm on the road to a better place far far from you. and for once? for once i honestly hope you are too. no promises i'll feel the same tomorrow or the day after but for this moment in time i hope you end up happy where ever your life leads you.

everyone changes nothing stays the same and everyone is going to get hurt or hurt you in some way. you just need to find the people in your life that are worth dealing with the pain.

Love doesn't walk away, people do.

... the hardest thing in life is to watch the one you love love someone else...

when you've hit the point you cant try anymore there is only one thing left to do.. right? telling you to move on is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i miss you with every moment every breath. your the love of my life =/ im sorry i've caused you pain im sorry im just not good enough. one day i hope you'll realize how much you love me too... but i honestly doubt you ever will.

How do you leave the past behind, when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?

Why does there always come a day when you want nothing more then to just play in traffic? most days love is so not worth the pain...but still for some stupid fucking reason your the only one on my mind... no matter what i do or who i see your there. you haunt me.. you hold me down you sit there and just watch me drown... how can you do something like that to the person you love or even loved... i could never ever treat you so inhumanly... so miserably... your my world... my love... my everything... i love you more then anything in this world... and i hate how you make me feel. im torn to pieces following my heart when my head says stop... when survival says stop... but for some reason my stupid little heart won't listen and you rip and tear and shred til there is nothing left... nothing to be repaired because im beyond being saved by anyone but you...

Maybe the reason we hate each other is because we can't face the fact that we're still in love.

long days... and even longer nights... i wish you were with me to share them... =/

on a side note.... i hate it when people still believe they are completely independent and they really cannot live on their own. it's such a pain to have to spend hours on end somewhere you would rather not be when your trying to get your life back on track. i need my life back please. that's all i want for christmas... =[

the worst part of not being able to move on is knowing that your trying to... but why you would boggles my mind.. i've loved you before you became the man you are today... back when you believed you were lucky to be with me... when all along i believed i was the lucky one.. so why... why would you throw away something that pure... something that no matter what will never ever change.. we've fought we've been thru hell and back... but life will be hell without you. so please just give me this chance just give me this one wish. i wish to spend the rest of my life loving you... and you loving me in return. i wish i could take back the things i have done to hurt you and the things that have pushed us apart. your my one and my only... there will never be another that can have my heart simply because i'll never be able to get my heart back from you... your my lover and my best friend... so can we just go back... forget that everything ever happened... start new. start now. i promise either way i'll love you forever...

There are so many things I'm not sure of in life, but with all certainty at this very minute, all I know is that I miss him.

Honestly? love sucks... it would be one thing if it were like a switch that we could turn on and off but why is it that people can fall in love with people who could care less? is it all some kind of sick joke?

this is the kind of thing that makes me wonder if in the scheme of things if i really am better off alone. there are things that can make the lonely go away. things to take the pain off my mind.. but there is always the dull roar that a broken heart exudes. people say that it's my own fault... but how when there is no way to change such a strong emotion that changes who you are to the core... maybe i want to be someone else... but maybe just maybe i would love to stay as who i am.

Going out having fun partying it up... it's all well and good while it lasts.... but what happens when it all washes out and everything stops holding back the fact that you have lost your soul mate.

maybe our mistakes are what make our fate

Who is to say that when you fall in love things should be simple or easy. to fight is natural right? or is that just me? you know you have it bad when you look at the person who will treat you right and who will love you like no other and you realize... you realize that you could care less... you realize that that one person who you wish to hell would just drop off the planet is the only person you will ever be happy with again... and the worst pain of all? loving someone so dearly and they could care less that your even breathing...

i just wish you would understand what you do to me.. i just wish you could see life thru my eyes and believe just for a second that im not the monster you believe me to be... maybe things don't always turn out right and maybe we can hit the lowest lows... but you also make me feel like the happiest person in the world like im on top of the world like im floating in the sky. the thought of you loving another the way i love you... it kills me to even think it... my mind it bends and warps but i still can't grasp how you could walk away from something so strong just because.. you refuse to make it work and there is only so many things i can change before im just a fake.

So honestly... why is it that only females beat themselves senseless trying to change for the ones they love? Why are we always wrong even though it's a mutual fuck up? Why can't we compromise? Why can't we just be who we used to be?

The backdrop part one.

I guess i should have known it was going to end like this.. I mean come on how many people actually stay with their high school loves? You live some you learn some. Sitting around at home i wonder to myself how i should go about moving on so i figured why not try blogging? Soooo here it goes....

I always knew life wasn't fair but come on there is only SO much that can go wrong at once isn't there? Life isn't horrible by far but like most people, well life could be better right? Twenty one years old and a single mother trying to find sanity, what i want to do with my life and most importantly of all? The illusive 'one'.

I have been around seen things done things that maybe i shouldn't have but that's the point of being a teenager is it not? And hey i made it out largely unscathed. After all i can successfully say that i skipped teen parenting (barely, but i made it). Now that i have hit my twenties, had a beautiful baby boy, and lost the only guy i ever truly loved well i figure my life needs a little reevaluating.

The child, three months and some odd days he's a perfect little child (isn't that what all mothers say right?). But no really, he's incredibly laid back and happy which is a huge relief to me because i have no idea what i would do if i had had a little terror seeing as before him i'd never even held a child. Baby daddy (not the guy i believed to be the love of my life) never around... but we can save that story for a rainy day. Kaden my little man =]

The heartbreaker, the reason im starting this blog. Partially to bash on because i've hit the bitter stage of the whole situation. Zach the average male, but for some damn reason he has my heart and believe me, I want that back. I'm starting to firmly believe that he lost it somewhere back down the long long road we have traveled so he can't actually give it back to me. Now words will always be exchanged between him and i as long as we speak. And who knows maybe some day i can change his name from heartbreaker to something more acceptable to the teen girl in me that wants to spend my days wallowing because he left.

My aim? To give people laughs and something to chew over when they have a spare minute or two.