&& to change a single moment would be divine...

your the one thing i regret in life... im not sure if i regret you because we can no longer speak and be friends or because you will always be the one that stole my heart... im not sure where you are or who you will become but no matter the distance or who you are i'll love you more then anyone in my life.. your the one person who made that difference changed me to my core. and i just wish that i could go back to the day it all went wrong and do everything differently make you love me again... there are so many things i wish i could say to you but i know deep down that it's pointless because i lost you way back down the road and i'll never find you again.. and i miss you the most.. the nights will get better and so will the days.... but you'll always be there in the back of my mind reminding me... reminding me that i will never love someone again..& because of this i wish i could despise you but i know i'll never achieve the one thing that will make me able to live my life and truly yes truly be happy... i want to know the moment it went wrong and change it. i want to know the second that fire burned out and light it. i miss you.... and that will never change...

Dare to dream && always fall for the wrong people.

I'm not sure if I'm crazy or just plain stupid. I've spent only a handful of times with you physically... yet..for some reason my heart calls out for you... but with situations I fear what will come of it... sometimes I know exactly what I want and would give nothing more then to know what to do with that knowledge... your amazing in every way. Our personalities flow so well. Yet who knows where you or I will be a year from now... I want to be yours but I have no idea if you desire to be mine or to even have me. I hope against all hope you want to be with. Me too even tho it's currently impractical and not incredibly plausible.

My marine... you have my heart... please come back in one piece.... <3

If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.

Maybe being in this situation for three ish years has cleared my head slightly? i don't even know anymore all i know is if im not offered what i want and soon im picking my pieces up and walking away.

it's come to the point im not sure who is the bigger idiot... me or my x. on the one hand i can have others and in his case he has trouble finding anyone. on the other hand he's ignoring the one person who will happily be with him the rest of his life and i am ignoring the guys who could possibly treat me right and going after what feels like the ONLY guy who doesn't want to be with me.

so please pray tell why im the idiot staying up all hours of the night when i have a four month old baby just so i can spend my time with him. and why after all the things said i still love the jerk who im fairly certain is just completely afraid of commitment? who knows... on a side note while the guy i love has been ignoring me and trying to obtain someone i'm fairly certain he has no chance with and won't be happy with i've been making old connections stronger. and this puts me in a predicament...

being practical and hating being miserable i would absolutely love to move on and not have to deal with the fall out of my x's latest disaster in the making but being the head over heels in love one i can't help but want to make sure that he's at least okay. and the predicament there is i haven't the slightest clue how to make a relationship work with someone other then him... well then again i haven't the slightest clue how to make a relationship work with him either but that is besides the point...

now two interests all fresh and new and as far as i can tell completely compatible... so why is it so difficult to move on and decide that i would rather be with one of the 100% nice guys who i completely enjoy talking to and am actually happy being around...

it's a new year... maybe it really is time for new love and the new outlook on life i've been waiting for. i'm not going to become who i was before i refuse to be dragged back to that pathetic person i used to be. i've been tried and tested over the past year and somehow still managed to come out alive and kicking this year... the goals? to find that special someone... hopefully this year but if not well im still certain there is someone out there for me that completes me and makes me happy.... even if that isn't my x. =]

& so i saw you today...

I saw you today... it hit me like a ton of bricks.. to know that I'm not actually as happy as I pretend I am.. it all came rushing back. How much I love you, how much I need you right here in my life. It shows to me no matter what I do I will always love you.. I'm afraid to care afraid to feel. You were not only the love of my life but also my best friend... or so I believed. Apparently I was neither to you but that's okay baby. I'm finally getting used to the burn.

I thought I was over you but maybe I guess I was wrong. I wish I could keep up the pretend game th e one thing I will never understand is why....


Goodnight world..

Basically I'll never understand why guys behave the way they do. I have simply come to terms with the fact that no matter what it is some how always going to be my fault that things are fucked up and that no matter what I do I'm always the crazy one that is wrong?

Whatever.

So its becoming a crazy crazy world for me. Between people who apparently like to kill to people trying to make claims on me to x boyfriends going off their rockers. I just can't win here. Maybe I should just stop trying. I'm done with the drama I'm done with the lies. I can't wait to be able to just breathe again and not worry about what's going to happen around the next corner. Love I have decided is completely over rated and who needs to know? Between pain payback and revenge for something the other may or may not have done relationships are just a fucking joke. I just want someone who can do it right and that's the end of that....oh and perferably not completely psychotic.

I was diagnosed as being in love. the medicine is you. the addiction is awesome. the withdrawal is hell

sitting here while your sleeping it makes me wonder... makes me wonder why i keep letting this happen why i keep letting you pull me back in... i love you.. i will always love you... but no one should have to wonder day by day if they will be loved in return. im not sure how to go about saying no and officially severing the ties because in the same breath i know i'll never be able to live without you. there is nothing i can say. nothing i can do to make this easier for either of us... and your the only one i will ever think about in this light. to take that away is just harsh and cruel... but such is the world. such is life. maybe one day you'll look back and realize that i really was the one... but i only hope that revelation doesn't come too late. until either i lose my faith or you realize the truth im stuck in this fucked up limbo... one that drives me insane... one that taunts me at every corner. i remember the good times and the bad... but in the end none of it matters because it all comes back down to you...

Every moment is a chance to turn things around.

a revelation of some sorts...

so when the one person who you can't get off your mind walks by you sees you and comments to his friends about it and you don't even notice that they were there that's when you know you've finally broken free... when you've finally moved on to be the true person you were always ment to become.

don't get me wrong you'll always miss the memories you'll always miss what could have been, but there comes a time when you have to forget the what ifs close the book and start a new one. moving on is never easy and im far from at the end of the journey but thank you. thank you for the good times and the bad. you've made me weak just so i could prove to myself i was strong.

some part of me always knew i deserved better. and now someone has shown me the way. i'm on the road to a better place far far from you. and for once? for once i honestly hope you are too. no promises i'll feel the same tomorrow or the day after but for this moment in time i hope you end up happy where ever your life leads you.

everyone changes nothing stays the same and everyone is going to get hurt or hurt you in some way. you just need to find the people in your life that are worth dealing with the pain.