If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.

Maybe being in this situation for three ish years has cleared my head slightly? i don't even know anymore all i know is if im not offered what i want and soon im picking my pieces up and walking away.

it's come to the point im not sure who is the bigger idiot... me or my x. on the one hand i can have others and in his case he has trouble finding anyone. on the other hand he's ignoring the one person who will happily be with him the rest of his life and i am ignoring the guys who could possibly treat me right and going after what feels like the ONLY guy who doesn't want to be with me.

so please pray tell why im the idiot staying up all hours of the night when i have a four month old baby just so i can spend my time with him. and why after all the things said i still love the jerk who im fairly certain is just completely afraid of commitment? who knows... on a side note while the guy i love has been ignoring me and trying to obtain someone i'm fairly certain he has no chance with and won't be happy with i've been making old connections stronger. and this puts me in a predicament...

being practical and hating being miserable i would absolutely love to move on and not have to deal with the fall out of my x's latest disaster in the making but being the head over heels in love one i can't help but want to make sure that he's at least okay. and the predicament there is i haven't the slightest clue how to make a relationship work with someone other then him... well then again i haven't the slightest clue how to make a relationship work with him either but that is besides the point...

now two interests all fresh and new and as far as i can tell completely compatible... so why is it so difficult to move on and decide that i would rather be with one of the 100% nice guys who i completely enjoy talking to and am actually happy being around...

it's a new year... maybe it really is time for new love and the new outlook on life i've been waiting for. i'm not going to become who i was before i refuse to be dragged back to that pathetic person i used to be. i've been tried and tested over the past year and somehow still managed to come out alive and kicking this year... the goals? to find that special someone... hopefully this year but if not well im still certain there is someone out there for me that completes me and makes me happy.... even if that isn't my x. =]