&& to change a single moment would be divine...

your the one thing i regret in life... im not sure if i regret you because we can no longer speak and be friends or because you will always be the one that stole my heart... im not sure where you are or who you will become but no matter the distance or who you are i'll love you more then anyone in my life.. your the one person who made that difference changed me to my core. and i just wish that i could go back to the day it all went wrong and do everything differently make you love me again... there are so many things i wish i could say to you but i know deep down that it's pointless because i lost you way back down the road and i'll never find you again.. and i miss you the most.. the nights will get better and so will the days.... but you'll always be there in the back of my mind reminding me... reminding me that i will never love someone again..& because of this i wish i could despise you but i know i'll never achieve the one thing that will make me able to live my life and truly yes truly be happy... i want to know the moment it went wrong and change it. i want to know the second that fire burned out and light it. i miss you.... and that will never change...

Dare to dream && always fall for the wrong people.

I'm not sure if I'm crazy or just plain stupid. I've spent only a handful of times with you physically... yet..for some reason my heart calls out for you... but with situations I fear what will come of it... sometimes I know exactly what I want and would give nothing more then to know what to do with that knowledge... your amazing in every way. Our personalities flow so well. Yet who knows where you or I will be a year from now... I want to be yours but I have no idea if you desire to be mine or to even have me. I hope against all hope you want to be with. Me too even tho it's currently impractical and not incredibly plausible.

My marine... you have my heart... please come back in one piece.... <3

If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.

Maybe being in this situation for three ish years has cleared my head slightly? i don't even know anymore all i know is if im not offered what i want and soon im picking my pieces up and walking away.

it's come to the point im not sure who is the bigger idiot... me or my x. on the one hand i can have others and in his case he has trouble finding anyone. on the other hand he's ignoring the one person who will happily be with him the rest of his life and i am ignoring the guys who could possibly treat me right and going after what feels like the ONLY guy who doesn't want to be with me.

so please pray tell why im the idiot staying up all hours of the night when i have a four month old baby just so i can spend my time with him. and why after all the things said i still love the jerk who im fairly certain is just completely afraid of commitment? who knows... on a side note while the guy i love has been ignoring me and trying to obtain someone i'm fairly certain he has no chance with and won't be happy with i've been making old connections stronger. and this puts me in a predicament...

being practical and hating being miserable i would absolutely love to move on and not have to deal with the fall out of my x's latest disaster in the making but being the head over heels in love one i can't help but want to make sure that he's at least okay. and the predicament there is i haven't the slightest clue how to make a relationship work with someone other then him... well then again i haven't the slightest clue how to make a relationship work with him either but that is besides the point...

now two interests all fresh and new and as far as i can tell completely compatible... so why is it so difficult to move on and decide that i would rather be with one of the 100% nice guys who i completely enjoy talking to and am actually happy being around...

it's a new year... maybe it really is time for new love and the new outlook on life i've been waiting for. i'm not going to become who i was before i refuse to be dragged back to that pathetic person i used to be. i've been tried and tested over the past year and somehow still managed to come out alive and kicking this year... the goals? to find that special someone... hopefully this year but if not well im still certain there is someone out there for me that completes me and makes me happy.... even if that isn't my x. =]